Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize