take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
