so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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