just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
