I haven't been this sober since birth.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
