Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
