Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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