we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is it because I queefed?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
me + whiskey = a bad person
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
