Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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