i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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