Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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