we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
