i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
