Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
