I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I am midnight drunk by noon
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize