He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
