my phone needs a breathalizer
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
