You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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