I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
