Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
