It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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