You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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