Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
my poor anus
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
