ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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