evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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