Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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