i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
