Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize