between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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