bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
