Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ambien. No doubt about it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
