I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
