You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
