We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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