he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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