My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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