My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
