I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
