true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
