I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
