By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
