Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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