dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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