I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize