I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
