As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
