Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Less talking, more tequila
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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