They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
