This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
