I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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