you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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