The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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