god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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