I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
