Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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