I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
