I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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