after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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