Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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