I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
