I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
