oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
