do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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