so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
