is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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