i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
