8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
