My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
