Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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