Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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