I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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