thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
