There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I touched a dick in church today
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
